a blog about Kilt and her kids plus Trouble our JRT mascot.

My photo
Sequim, Washington, United States

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

How do you let go?

How do you just let 34 years go?  Even if it wasn't a marriage made in heaven, I loved him. I'm struggling.  I'm hurting.  I wouldn't want anyone walking in my shoes right now even though I know millions have before me and millions will after me.

I thought a weight had been lifted when I heard, "I want a divorce."  I must have been fooling myself,  because for the last few days it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest and the tears keep coming.

How can you live with someone that many years and be so WRONG about him?

I am trying to be as healthy as possible.  I have started this new regime of drinking 2 full Yeti containers of water per day.  I am eating better.  I am cutting way down on sweets.  I am into Spring cleaning.

We have 34 years of "stuff" here.  Yes, albeit, most of the stuff is mine, so I have some work to do.  I have been up here for 3 years by myself.  I don't mind being by myself, but sometimes I get lonely and sometimes I get a bit scared.  Like should I be wearing a "Life alert" around my neck? Thankfully, I have neighbors that check in on me from time to time.  But, still...  I had so looked forward to Wayne helping me with the property and my vehicles.  Now I will have to hire people.  I pretty much have been doing that all along. but my Life Plan is now in the toilet.

I need (would like) a roommate.  I think I may have found one.  We went to nursing school many decades ago.  We laugh a lot when we are together.  This is someone I can trust.  I don't want to bring in anyone that I don't know.  She has a kitty.  Most likely the Border Collies will be scared of a cat.  We are both honest and forthright.  Thank God for that.  We are both laying our cards on the table before we make the final decision.  I think we will be like Frankie and Grace :) We get into some great 'girly giggle' sessions.  We have talked about respecting each other's space, etc. etc.  It's a bigger decision for her since she is the one moving out of her apartment.

I still have a ton of horse tack to get rid of.  Maybe I can start going to the local Swap meet when it starts up in May.  I don't see myself ever having a horse again, but I will save just enough...haha  Oh listen to me.  Geez, wishful thinking.

I need to stay ACTIVE, Keep DECLUTTERING, and be KIND to myself.  I did not ask for the divorce.  I honored my wedding vows that I wrote.  He lost a lady that loved him unconditionally.  It would be no different if he was hit by a car and died.  The marriage would be over. Well, yeah....cuz then I would probably be very well off if it happened before the divorce was final.

C'est la vie.  Stop the pity party.  Carry on Suzanne.  Keep swimming.

No comments: