a blog about Kilt and her kids plus Trouble our JRT mascot.

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Sequim, Washington, United States

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Letting Go

A friend sent me some thoughts on "letting go..."

I have forgiven myself for being dense about my relationship that spanned almost 4 decades.  Dense as in playing the nursing role of the savior without regard for MY feelings.
I have forgiven my husband.

Denial Anger Bargaining Depression and Acceptance

I think I can honestly say I'm through the first 3 steps.  I'm somewhere in between depression and acceptance.  It's hard to "accept" when you are in the throes of a divorce.

I will be able to truly "Let Go" when all of this courtroom crap is over.  So forgive me, I'm a blogger. I journal.  It makes me feel better and hopefully, it will help someone else along the way.

I take good care of myself.  I manage my health and my dogs the best as I can.  And, I'm still darn happy to wake up every morning in this wonderful place where I live.




Monday, May 8, 2017

Round one

Okay, the Friday hearing was rather painless. The judge awarded me temporary maintenance support (That's what they call alimony in Washington state).

Round two will not be that painless.  We BOTH have to appear in a settlement conference with a judge and our attorney's present.  If we can't come to a mutual agreement, we will have to pay beaucoup bucks to have a judge in Superior court make the decisions.

This too shall pass, just not soon enough.

Several days after coming home I hear a very large yelp and saw Yoko hobbling on 3 legs.  I carried her to the house, immediately thinking "cruciate tear."  I have never had a dog with one, but I know it is something we all worry about.  Yoko runs down the hill in the wet grass and spins eyeing up her brother.  Ugh.

I made her an appointment at Seattle Specialists at the end of the month and will be taking her to an equine/canine rehab specialist tomorrow.  Yoko isn't allowed to play with her brother.  She has to go out and do her business with Trouble.  Sad, sad Yoko.  She is not limping, but appears 'unstable.'  I just can't pinpoint it and I'm not trained enough in 'drawer signs' to palpate her knee.  One moment I think one or both knees are gone and in another moment I think it is lumbar sacral disc.  The rehab specialist will go over her with a fine tooth comb and make suggestions for cold laser, swimming, etc.

At least she doesn't appear in pain while being quiet in the house.  I re-enrolled her in 6 weeks of nosework to keep her mentally challenged. She most definitely is not happy with the decrease of her meals to go along with her rest.  Yoko is my food hound.  I'm trying to give her more pumpkin while throwing in some vegas for her to make up the difference.

Vashon is coming up and I haven't had much time to work Champ.  When I last looked he was still number 5 on the wait list.  There just has been too much to do here with the grass knee high and time for weeding and other types of business.

My handyman who sometimes works here is too busy this season to help me out much with odd jobs and yard work.  So.....I'm on my own.  I thought by May Wayne would be here.  Way wrong there Corrigan.  So, I will do the best i can do.  That's all I can....

Between dogs, me, volunteer duties, jury duty coming up along with this week being the Irrigation Festival, I'm busier than I would like to be!  May wishes my grandson a Happy Birthday, plus it's Trouble's 15th birthday and the 2 year marker of the passing of Jet.

Enjoy your Spring.  I certainly am enjoying the slightly warmer weather and a few days here and there without rain.  Make contentment your criterion of prosperity.






Saturday, April 29, 2017

Thank-you

Thank-you to everyone for making my trip such a wonderful adventure: to my Oregon friends and son, to my Northern California friends, and to my Northern Nevada friends, it all was perfect.  And, it was nice to see so many of my So Cal friends at the Northern Nevada Sheepdog trial.

My van ran without a hitch (Yea), and my dogs traveled well. I saw some beautiful sights and shared many good times.  It was the perfect trip to take my mind off of the upcoming divorce.

I came home a few days early because I knew there would be a Chamber of Commerce luncheon and a free clinic dinner at the marina a couple of days apart that I didn't want to miss.

Cinco de Mayo is "D" day (first court hearing).  Normally, I would be giving my annual Kentucky Derby party the first Saturday in May, but I will have to postpone it until next year.  I'm not too sure what happens at the first court hearing.  I know Wayne and I don't have to show up.  It's all being handled by the attorney's and the judge.  My attorney said attending is kind of like having a root canal to some people.  I guess I can't speak.  I just have to listen.  I've had quite a few root canals, so I will be going. How would I know what questions to ask, if I don't listen to what is being discussed?

I want this whole divorce thing behind me.  I still feel badly about my husband.  Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing or has done.  Addiction is a killer.  I guess it's kind of like a death; it's going to take time, to feel less pain.

Thank goodness the Elk came back upon my homecoming from my trip.  The animals give me such a sense of peace and hope. My neighbors' warm welcomes made me feel blessed that I live here.  Coming home to a home cooked meal from one of my neighbors made me feel loved.  Several female elk are scouting the pond and stream below to give birth.  I'm watching closely.

I'm looking forward to the Vashon Island Sheepdog trial even though Champ is on the wait list.  I have two girlfriends flying in from California and Pennsylvania.  The one from Pa. is flying in with Champ's sister, Fly.  She is entered in Vashon.  I found us a B and B on the island for a few days so we could enjoy the evenings together.

It's always nice to have something to LOOK FORWARD to, isn't it?  I think it keeps me going.  When I don't have something to look forward to, I'm kind of blah.  I don't feel as energetic.

Anyway, y'all take time to enjoy what is around you.  Accept others as they are; forgive and remember, you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think....






                                                                    SOAR ON



Saturday, April 15, 2017

Sweet dreams

It is hard waking up night after night thinking about my husband who I loved so much. It's important when the chips are down, to be good to yourself. I do have common sense. Yes, I should have left Wayne years ago, but I honored our wedding vows and loved him to a fault.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still pissed that he couldn't be truthful face to face. I'm surprised he didn't text me asking for a divorce.  He never did say he was seeing someone else, but I knew in my heart the truth. All the signals were loud and clear.

So the therapist is looking to see why I hung in there so long. My first marriage ended in divorce after 9 years. I was too immature. It was my fault. I honestly didn't even think I would have to work for a living. I never saw my mother work a day in her life. Kind of funny when I think about it now. I got married at 19 and finished my BA. I dabbled in art selling paintings, but no real income.

All water under the bridge now. No reason for me to continue treading water. I need to SWIM. And, swim I will. I have always been a good swimmer. I just didn't know it. I have always been a strong woman. I just didn't know it. I need to believe in myself.

Coming to the PNW has been the most healing thing I have ever done for myself. I have the most awesome nature surrounding me like a cocoon wrapping me in its' arms.  My new friends are supportive and caring. I have opened my arms to new experiences. 

Last night a friend, a Master crystal bowl player, and recording artist/ singer invited me to a concert that she gave at the old Dungeness School House. The acoustics in the school house are amazing. Some say it is haunted. 
There was just a handful of people there. Sophia encouraged me to lie down on the Persian rug in front of the 15 bowls and chimes, bells, etc etc that were set up. It was awesome. I drifted in and out of a blissful sleep listening to the beautiful sounds of the bowls, chimes, and Sofia's singing. She has the most melodic, haunting voice I have ever heard.

I came home and slept like a baby. I gave myself permission to postpone my trip for a day so not to pressure myself with last minute packing. It's important when the chips are down, to be good to yourself. I slept like a rock last night. It was nice not to wake up thinking about the last decades with a man that had an addiction that would eventually destroy our partnership and dreams.

I am eating well, drinking plenty of water, exercising and managing to stay afloat. The real stress will come during the first week of May, the first court hearing. My attorney said I don't have to come. He likened it to as almost as much fun as having a root canal. But, I can endure pain. I am going.

Until then, I am heading out on a road trip through Oregon, Northern Nevada, and Northern California with my fur friends in our 20 foot RV.  Hopefully, I will have happy things to share and blog about.... 

                                             Until then, Happy Trails 😍