Happiness

Happiness was born a twin.

I woke up sad this morning, tears running down my cheeks, and no amount of furry friends made me feel any better.  I was lonely.

I went to the singing crystal bowls this morning to meditate.  My fragile mood was noticed.  A person I respect, asked how I was.  I almost busted out in tears.  All I could do was shake my  head. I stayed for a bout 45 minutes of meditation and then, I couldn't take it anymore.  I left.

I'm lucky I have FB and so many good friends to share with.  Other people have significant others to share with. At the moment, it's me, myself, and I.

My husband doesn't want to give me a divorce without a fight.  I, honestly don't have much fight left in me.  I have never been much of a fighter.  Period.

My funds are next to nil, so now that I am 66 yrs. old and retired, I am looking for work.  I have a Retired-Active RN license in Wa. so I have applied for anything that might come up at Peninsula College in Port Angeles that might be teaching clinical or labs for RNs (part-time or per diem).  I love bedside care, but that might be a bit much for me at my age.

I'm not sure how the end of my life will play out.  I'm not really sure how each day is going to play out if you want the God's honest truth.  I have friends that say, "He has never treated you well, fuck him." Well, easy for them to say,  Not exactly that easy for me to say after over 30 years.  Hell, I'm not sure how long I will even live.  My lung CT is next week to see if my cancer has spread.

Four dogs and 5 acres in the PNW without a fenced yard is a ton of work for me.  Easy for a friend to say, "You'll be fine,"  especially, when they are still working, not on Social Security and have a husband to help them out.   I understand that.

At the same time, I am a strong woman.  My marriage has never been one of nirvana.  But, it has had it's moments of fun and laughter and good times. I miss those times. I'm not perfect.  He's not perfect. I might be way more a catch than he is, though.  These are the things I have to sort through and think about.

Meanwhile, I try to live every day to the fullest.  No one knows when their last day will be. I'm not stupid.  I am kind, a good person without a dishonest bone in her body.  Friends and family mean everything to me.

I thank you all who have read about my saga.  I'm not sure how the ending will reveal itself, but I will try to stay light hearted and enjoy every day I have to live.

Thank-you and God bless :)