I'm trying for some closure. How do you have closure when you still have two homes that need to be sold? How do you have closure when there is no communication? It's like living in the twilight zone. The good thing is that I am smart enough to take care of myself. I have done much soul searching as to my unmet needs (safety, security, financial, companionship). Any time I have self sabbotaging behaviors (negative internal dialog) I identify the thoughts. I uncover the clutter in my brain. Then it is easier for me to make positive choices that have been obscured from my view.
Denial is a core mechanism for keeping self-sabbotage alive. I am slowing peeling away the layers of denial about my 30 year relationship with my husband. I always gave 110% wishing for the same in return, but I was in denial. He could never make that return into our partnership. Denial is a clever place to hide. It limits one's ability to find positive solutions and open up the paths to possibilities.
Who do I blame? I blame myself. I covered up my denial. I just shoveled more dirt on top of it, so I didn't have to face it. I wanted to be loved. That is a very powerfully strong need. In my quest to meet this need, I kept shoveling more dirt on top of the root of the problem. There is safety in covering it up. It is called denial.
I am giving myself close to an hour to journal and meditate most mornings. I am going through a 365 day of "uncluttering." Rome wasn't built in a day! I am taking several online meditation self help courses that I use in my meditations. Fridays I continue to meditate with the singing crystal bowls. Sometimes thinking about 'nothing' as sometimes happens with the crystal bowls is more enlightening and certainly more relaxing than the constant internal dialog that is difficult to turn off!
I paint when I have the time. I work my dogs. I garden. I am eating healthy (all except the wine and martinis) And, I continue to unclutter my mind, space, and body. Nothing has to be met 'in an instant.' It is an evolving process. It is a compassionate process for myself. I know that it is my responsibility to meet my needs.
It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any self deception or illusion, that some light will help us recognize our endeavor to meet those unfullfilled needs shining a clear pathway for us to go down.
Confuscious say Clear the Clutter 😁 Now go have a FUN day. Life is short. ENJOY!