The hole

"Look Timmy, there's a hole in the well."

Happiness was born a twin.  Maybe that's not quite right. Emptiness equals loneliness.  Something like that.  There are so many moments I want to share.  And, there is no one there to share it with.  I'm sure that's why I share so many posts on Facebook.

A girlfriend and I were talking yesterday.  She understood exactly what I was saying.  She shared a story of a moment in her life (living by herself at the time) sitting at sunset on a bench overlooking a small church by the sea.  All of a sudden a very large pod of whales appeared close to the shore.  They all started to breach out of the water.  She turned to share this wondrous experience recognizing there was no one to share it with; that she was watching this miraculous moment all by herself.  That's when you recognize loneliness.

One might say, you are never alone.  Some greater power is always by your side.  It still doesn't take away that emptiness of wanting to share.  There is a deep hole in my soul.  I try to fill it by keeping busy.  Yesterday just before the elk bedded down, when last year's babies were calling to their Mommas, young bulls were clacking antlers, frogs were croaking,  and geese were honking,  I wanted to have someone at my side to share this marvel of nature.  The best I could do was post a video and text a few friends.  But, without seeing and hearing it first hand it lost some of it's magic.  Without having someone to connect with over the moment made me feel empty. Lonely, if you will.

I'm sure my single friends living by themselves can empathize with me.  My married friends, not so much, unless they have been in my shoes at some point in their lives.  It's easy to say, "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with life," when you have not been in that position yourself.  It makes me think of my lack of empathy as a nurse for psychiatric patients, alcoholics and addicts for that matter.  I just couldn't relate to what they were feeling and why they couldn't act more like other functionable people.  At least I recognized that was not a career path I wanted to take.....behavioral problems.

So here I am, wanting to fill the void.  I guess I will have to see what destiny has planned for me next.  I'm trying hard to fill that empty hole inside of me.  The dogs help.  Kilt has become my new 'Jet.'  She is now always by my side.  Where ever I go, she goes.  Somehow it is just not the same as human companionship.  But, for now it will have to suffice.