a blog about Kilt and her kids plus Trouble our JRT mascot.

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Sequim, Washington, United States

Sunday, January 8, 2012

It's not easy....

While sitting on the upstairs porch staring at the Indian river which is some 25 feet from where I am sitting, the tears began to flow. This is where my father would sit with me. Sometimes we would say nothing...just watch. We would love for some big amberjacks to splash against the cement cove water stirring up the bait fish and on occasion a couple of manatees would come into the cove much to our delight. I think tears are flowing out of selfishness. You can't imagine how much I look forward to sharing these special quiet moments with my father at my side. Oh, how I will miss looking forward to my trips to Florida.
Oh! What is that? OMG It's Klondike. I have heard lots about him, but I have never seen him. An otter appeared out of nowhere on the sidewalk next to the dock which is no more. The last big storm tore the dock piece by piece from the bulkhead. Wow! Klondike must be 50-70 pounds. He is huge. And, me without my camera. Jim has told me about him, but I have never seen him until this morning. I'm sure my deceased mother made that happen to take my mind off my grief for the moment. Thanks Mom.
Linda and I drove to hospice last night and checked on Dad before returning home to bed. His breathing was long and deep. He looked as comfortable as he possibly could. I could check inside his mouth with a flashlight while he was mouth breathing. The skin cancer had spread to his salivery glands and had left deep crators in his gum lines with pools of blood. Damn cancer. Who would have ever though skin cancer would be Pop's demise. Not me.
Big Blue heron is sitting on the neighbors dock and Great White is fishing out on the bulkhead point. These are all friends of the family.
Jim just arrived home. I think he went to bed at 7 pm last night. Stress had taken it's toll on him. He was over at the Hospice house at 6 am to see Pop. He had some private conversations with Daddy (as he calls him) while he slept peacefully.
I will shower after my second cup of coffee and go to see him.
Oh look....Ozzy, the clumsy Osprey is fishing. He has been a resident here for the last 6 months. He is always dropping his fish. One time Jim scooped out his dropped fish with a net and set it on the dock for him. He was appreciative. He circled for about 5 min. And then came and got his slippery catch. Now he does fly bys the porch with gratitide. :0)
An attitude of gratitude. That's how my father lived his life. Just like that, 62 years of my life is going to leave me. A huge part of my heart is breaking. The tears are flowing again. Bring it on God. Let him go peacefully. I don't know anyone I respect more than my father. Do him that justice, if you could, I pray thee.


Karen said...

What a difficult time for you and your family. Know that you are in our thoughts.

BCxFour said...

Thinking about you...